As a Matter of Fact

The Elements of Personal StyleA twitterer proposes an exercise in disclosure, or autobiography, or self-awareness or self-obsession or… well, let’s just call it “sharing.” She urges everyone within the sound of her tweets to post “100 random facts about yourself.”

Count me in. Posting one hundred random facts about oneself is a good idea, I think, because Transparency is my middle name, or would be if you didn’t see right through it down to my real one which is secret. I take the word “random” to mean “unorganized” and I take the word “facts” to mean “made-up stuff.” Unorganized made-up stuff — it’s the opposite, I suppose, of the Periodic Table of Self promised in the colorful graphic glaring above. But it is also my meat and drink, dessert and antacid. So herewith are 100 or fewer data set down haphazardly.

  1. I believe mountains are flat on the bottom like Hershey’s kisses.
  2. Everyone knows the points of a pie slice are the best part, so why not just core the pie and eat the center?
  3. Red licorice should get its own name. It’s like calling banana cream “yellow chocolate.”
  4. If a child is christened with a nickname, will the poor kid ever have a real nickname?
  5. These aren’t really facts, are they?
  6. I was born one morning when the sun didn’t shine.
  7. I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine.
  8. I loaded sixteen tons of number nine coal.
  9. I punched Houdini in the stomach and killed him. Not on purpose, you understand.
  10. My fourteenth favorite color is orange.
  11. Interestingly, my fourteenth favorite flavor is also orange.
  12. Walking in the rain drinking a piña colada is my idea of Hell.
  13. I’m a people person, but with only a very few people and for only a few minutes at a time.
  14. I can tell by looking at you whether you have a transplanted organ obtained from an unwilling donor.
  15. My sixth favorite color is chartreuse, but I can’t remember what it looks like.
  16. No, wait. Sixth favorite color is fuschia. Can’t picture that one either.
  17. Once, in Chicago, I was the only person on the sidewalk when the President of the United States greeted me on a loudspeaker from his motorcade.
  18. Man, I jumped six feet!
  19. I can sense when my body is low on molybdenum. My isles of langerhans vibrate.
  20. Patti Platypus remains my favorite Beanie Baby to this very day

That, I think, though not quite one hundred facts, is about as much transparency either of us can stand in one day. Or one lifetime, for that matter. I’ll spare you further facts about myself if you promise to spare me any at all about your self.

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